How To Be An Effective Listener

I admit, I am outspoken person, that means talking comes easy and listening is harder. If we want to be a better friend, a better spouse, a better leader, listening skill is equally important skill to master for all of us. All too often we are far more enthusiastic about talking than we are listening.  Yet it is so vital if we are to communicate effectively.  Most break downs in relationships are caused because people talk at each other without really making contact.  Unless someone hears what has been said including the subtext the words have little value.

One of the biggest problem I have during listening is when person is talking, I am already thinking of counter sentence or reply to what the person is saying without really focusing on 100% listening. I hear but I do not listen properly. One time, I promise Zenguy that I will completely listen to him, without interrupting and counter outwitting him. I came to realize I am was bad at listening part. Since then I have decided to search on how to be a better listener. While I am improving, I still have ways to go. Here are some key point that I have learned which may help you as well having a better relationship with your spouse, kids, co-workers and friends.

Why Listening is Best for Relation Building:

  1. When we are actively listened to we feel valued and are far more likely to engage in negotiation and compromise.
  2. Listening is about far more than words.  Watching facial expression and body language is often a far more accurate barometer than the words that are being used.
  3. Nice things being said where the smile doesn’t reach the eyes is an obvious example.
  4. To be an effective listener it is vital that you listen actively.

How to Be An Effective Listener: 8 ways to becoming a more effective listener:

While, there are many ways to be a best listener, here are top 10 key points that will make a you a better person, a better leader, a better spouse and a better parent or friend just simply by listening and giving importance to other person’s point of view. After all, we all want to be appreciated for what we are, what we say and do.

  1. The main thing when you listen is to make an eye contact during listening to the person so he or she knows you are focusing on what he or she has to say.
  2. Read the body language of the talker.  Are they relaxed, anxious, angry? Extremes are easy to recognize but often the message is much more subtle. Try to also focus on your body language to keep it neutral, specially if conversation is opposite of your view point. Mirror the talker’s body language- subtly, a gentle dance rather than a caricature.
  3. Show that you are listening, make a nod, make appropriate responses as required truly.
  4. If possible, Ask relevant questions, ask them to clarify if you are not clear about their meaning, when they finished talking the sentence. Wait until they take a break, try not to interrupt in middle of the sentence. Summarize: so what you are saying is……….so they know what you understood is correct or not.
  5. Use open ended questions, the who, what, where, when to make sense of it all. (if there is a confusion)
  6. Be careful of the tone of your voice when you respond or ask questions.  It is all to easy to come across as judgmental and hostile. That would defeat the purpose of a good listener, right?
  7. Use empathy. Acknowledge difficulties, but be careful not to fall into the trap of going into anecdotes from your experience.  “ I sense that you are finding this rather difficult” rather than “Oh I know, it happened to me but mine was bigger, more difficult etc” Try  not to relay your own experience and give them solution. Many times, people do not want solutions, they just want to be heard.
  8. Take a real interest, if you are simply going through the motions the lack of sincerity will be obvious to others.  Leave your problems, worries and ego behind when listening to other person. I sometimes find myself thinking of what to make for dinner or pay bills, that will not be obvious to person talking and not make things better. Leave other things behind for little while.


Keep practicing, if you do not succeed first time, try again and again. It will become easier. Practice with your best friend, spouse or your mom. When someone truly listens to you, without any judgement or interruptions, you will end up feeling so fulfilled and know how great it feels to be listened to and be understood. After that you want to make other people feel that way as well, it is contiguous.

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  1. Shane says:

    I am fun of reading and listening with someone thoughts, thanks for a kind of tips and I really adore it…

  2. William Veasley says:

    Hey, I am new to your blog, but I really like the information. I love to listen more than talk and I am trying to do more of it, even become a more effective one. I know that listening is very valuable in relationships because people have to be able to communicate how they are feeling. I always try to maintain eye contact and seem interested even if I am not interested. Overall, I just try to be nice and show respect.

    Keep up the awesome job!

    Best wishes,
    William Veasley

  3. ZenGirl says:


    Welcome to heart and mind blog, there is plenty to read here, but I am also slow blogger, so I write when I have time and something worthwhile to stay. Hope to know your blog too.

  4. Taurian says:

    Listening is a expensive gift… the gift of era. It construct associations, crack tribulations, ensure understanding, determine conflicts, and develop accurateness. At work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it helps develop imaginative, self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems. Listening builds friendships and careers.

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